


Jam

by GrayJedi11



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chubby Logic | Logan Sanders, Comfort Food, Crofter's Organic Spread (Sanders Sides), Eating Disorders, Fluff, Food, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Logic | Logan Sanders, Insecurity, Just a little tho, Kissing, Late at Night, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, M/M, Overworking, Self-Harm, Tall Deceit | Janus Sanders, Use your imagination, fat is more accurate but they dont have a tag for that, i didnt think out where they live though so they just Live Together Somewhere, i dont know how i came up with this but i did and its here, its there despite the fact that its barely mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27231940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrayJedi11/pseuds/GrayJedi11
Summary: Jam is a bit of a comfort to Logan, no matter how stupid it feels. And God, does he need comfort.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 104





	Jam

Logan stared into the blue light of his computer, eyes heavy and head aching. The bright LED of the kitchen wasn’t helping, but he forced himself to stay due to Janus sleeping soundly in their bedroom. If his boyfriend knew he was up this late, he would surely force him back into bed, Logan’s work left unfinished.

He was trying. He really was. But he’d barely made any progress after… how many hours has it been?

He glanced to the clock on the bottom right of his computer. Three.

Logan sighed, resting his head on the table instead, stomach growling. He often spent nights like this, hungry and tired, refusing to eat under the guise of not wanting to go to sleep while digesting. That excuse barely held anymore, though, due to the fact that he kept his dinners lighter than breakfasts, and was often up for, well, three or more hours later each night. So he grew hungry quick, and he used to opt for the easy option of jam and bread. But he couldn’t be gorging himself in the middle of the night like that anymore, or really any time of day.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t had a jar of Crofter’s in a long while.

That was fine. It was unnecessary, and more expensive than other brands. Plus, jam wasn’t really the best filler for the fruit in his diet. And he wasn’t keeping up with healthy eating habits much anymore anyway.

It was fine. He needed to lose weight after all.

He squeezed his eyes shut at the twinge of guilt bubbling up in his chest. He would give anything for Janus’s help, but the thought of telling his boyfriend that he’s worried about something that isn’t even that serious terrified him. It wasn’t difficult to eat, he just did less of it. He needed to, that wasn’t unhealthy.

It was fine.

He sighed again, headache finally starting to recede as his eyes were shut tight on his arms. He knew this wasn’t healthy. He tracked every action he took, and he knew he wasn’t healthy, physically or emotionally. He knew exactly which advice to give to someone going through the exact same things, performing the exact same self-destructive tendencies.

So why couldn’t he apply that knowledge to himself?

Even right now he was writing a paper on psychology, you’d think he knew enough not to live his life like he was a depressed preteen.

Nothing was ever good enough for his own standards. Not his work, not his body, and not Crofter’s.

Why the hell did he care so much about a jelly brand?

He groaned, kicking his legs and pounding the table like a six year old throwing a tantrum. He lifted his head up to lean back in the chair, suddenly reminded why he buried it in his arms in the first place.

“Lo?”

He jumped at the sound, shutting his computer screen, more due to impulse than to rational thought. Janus would have already realized what he was doing, there was nothing to avoid it.

His boyfriend ambled in his direction, pale nightgown swishing around his ankles. 

“It’s one in the morning, love.”

Janus pulled up a chair beside him, the sound cutting through the peaceful quiet of the night. Logan couldn’t help but tense at the arm snaking around his back, Janus’s forearm pressing against his belly fat. Soon, though, he relaxed into the touch, letting his eyes close for another moment.

“How often have you been doing this?”

“...Not _too_ often.”

Janus nuzzled his head into Logan’s hair. “I know you’re lying. You wake up late and exhausted every morning.”

Logan sighed, nodding slightly. There was no point in trying to further his lie, he hated himself enough as it is, he didn’t need Janus hating him too.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Logan pulled his head off of Janus’s shoulder, slumping down in the chair to look up at him with tired eyes.

“What?”

Janus threaded his fingers through Logan’s hair, looking down with a soft, worried expression. “How your daily routines are borderlining on self-harm.”

Logan nearly felt himself choke at the term. It was everything he’d tried to avoid, everything he tried to convince himself he was not.

“I’m not- I don’t-”

Janus sighed. “You eat half your meals, you pinch or punch yourself when you get frustrated, and you refuse every offer to socialize you’re given while you isolate yourself with your work, all while beating yourself up over it.”

“Janus, I have to get my work done. I don’t have time to ‘hang out’ with people, that’s why I’m up at one in the morning trying to finish this. Imagine how it would be if I had wasted two hours of that with Roman or Virgil? And I don’t _intentionally_ punch myself, I just need something to vent my frustration onto, and since everyone else gets frustrated if I slam a door or mutilate some random object, I don’t have many options but myself. I always regret it afterwards, it’s not like I want to keep doing it. And I realized I’m not at the ideal weight, so I cut down on some of the unhealthy things-”

“It’s not _just_ the unhealthy things, Lo, you know that too. You’ve done your research on weight statistics and how societal norms set an unattainable goal, you don’t need to do this. You don’t even eat Crofter’s anymore.”

“I don’t need Crofter’s. It’s stupid, it’s just a jam.”

“It might be just a jam, but it’s still important to you. I know how you’ve eaten that stuff during the best and worst times of your life, how attached you are to it. It’s your comfort. And it’s okay to have little comforts. It’s okay to have ‘stupid’ comforts. It’s okay to feel bad about them. Things don’t need a reason for making you happy. You’re pushing out everything else that makes you happy right now, why not let yourself have one thing?”

Logan looked up at Janus. “Happiness is the most distracting thing. I don’t need it now, not when I have so much to do.”

Janus laughed, the sound breaking the quiet.

“I think that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say. We’re going to CVS.”

Janus grabbed him by the wrist, putting on a coat and shoes as they stumbled out the door. He remembered his wallet and keys, stuffing them in his coat pocket.

“Wait- Janus, I can’t-”

He didn’t have much of a choice as he was dragged out into the cool night- morning air. Janus pulled him into the car, turning the key quick and driving off into the dark.

“So why are we going to CVS in our pajamas?”

“To get you Crofter’s.”

“Janus, can’t that wait until tomorrow-”

“You won’t come tomorrow. I have to bring you when you’re tired and helpless, so you won’t resist.”

“So you’re kidnapping me?”

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that…”

Despite the irritation caused by his boyfriend, Logan smiled. It was rare that he believed, or really even let himself hope, that he was loved. And now that Janus had decided to throw all plans of sleeping out the figurative window just to get him something he liked… it was a bit easier to consider.

He was reminded of his hunger as his stomach growled in pain, not just hungry but deprived of food for the previous day as well. He looked out the window, streetlights passing by as they drove.

“We’re here.”

“Hm?”

Logan opened his eyes, not knowing when he’d closed them. He was scrunched up against the door in an unadvised position. He might as well have not been wearing a seatbelt at all, based on the way he was sitting.

He was snapped back to reality when Janus brushed his hand.

“You’re very cute, love, but you do have to get out of the car.”

Logan did so, suddenly wishing that he’d worn more than his pajamas as his skin met cold air, as well as realizing that anyone out could see him in such unprofessional clothes. He seemed to have forgotten in his sleep deprived state. Hopefully the cashier wouldn’t remember them from this outing.

Janus laced their fingers together, pulling him closer as they approached the 24-hour store. 

The inside was warmer than the shockingly cool air of the night. The lights inside were tinted blue, reminiscent of his bright computer screen. Janus led him through the aisles, finding the jam fairly quickly.

“Take your pick.”

They didn’t have too many flavors here; they were lucky that they sold the brand at all. Logan sighed.

“This feels stupid.”

“There’s nothing stupid about it. Now come on, just choose a jar.”

He sighed again, but with a smile this time, picking up a jar of blackberry. Janus didn’t let go of his hand the entire time as they paid, Logan leaning into Janus’s touch as they left.

They arrived home soon, the exhaustion finally setting in Logan’s body. Janus held him by the waist, guiding him inside to sit back down at the table. He took Logan’s computer away, likely to their room, before returning. Logan sat there, head on his arms, just staring at the jar.

“Do you want toast?” Janus asked, hanging his coat back up before returning to Logan.

Logan kept staring. “No. Just a spoon.”

Janus got him one, handing it across the table as he sat down. Logan opened it, beginning to hungrily shovel the jam into his mouth. Janus just sat there, waiting for him to finish.

He paused halfway through, slumping back and setting his jam down, spoon still sitting in it.

“This is stupid. I’m a grown man sitting in the kitchen at two in the morning with my boyfriend eating an entire jar of jam because I’m insecure.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

Logan looked back down at his jam. “I guess not. It just feels stupid.”

“Like I said, it’s your comfort. It’s not stupid to have comforts, plus you’re a fan of consistency. Crofter’s is something that you keep consistent. Now eat your jam.”

Logan smiled softly, leaning back down to finish his jar. He did so messily, not bothering to stand up and get a napkin when he was finished. Janus stood to get it himself, tilting Logan’s head up to dab at the sweet substance. He then placed a quick kiss on Logan’s lips, tugging him up by the collar of his pajamas. He stood, leaning against his boyfriend as they made their way to bed.


End file.
